He was her soulmate.
But she wasn’t his.
I’m scared that you didn’t know the full weight of your decision when you chose me.
I’m scared that as the years go on it’ll get heavier and heavier until you can no longer stand it.
And you leave.
I’m terrified that I’m losing you because of an illness that I cannot control.
Crippling
Debilitating
Painful
Exhausting
Inexplicable
Sufferable
Deadly
Depression…
And you tell them
‘Get over it’
I wish I could say these things.
I wish I could take the emotions and form them into words that you could understand.
But my throat is choking the words down. Way down.
Where no one but me knows they’re there.
You wouldn’t understand anyways.
Honestly I’m waiting for you…
I always have been.
You were the last person I thought would be fine treating me like I’m invisible.
Honestly I understand if you’re tired of me.
I would be too.
Honestly it’s okay.
I get it.
How can you not understand?
For years you were the wish I made on birthday candles and shooting stars.
You were the dream that put me to sleep and the hope that woke me up.
You consume me.
How can you not understand this is all I need.
Someday I will find you in Europe and we will have our time.
Until then…
Nous vivons nos vies
You don’t get a say in how I lead my life,
You don’t have a say in my triumph or my strife.
You don’t get a say in who I become,
Because you don’t know the hell I come from.
You don’t get to tell me that what I’m feeling isn’t real, because you will never ever ever feel exactly what I feel.
You don’t get a say where I go in this world we live in because you don’t know the hopes and dreams I’ve thrown into the bin.
This is my life,
My heart,
My mind,
This is me.
My life starts today and you don’t get a say.
I’ve climbed mountains,
I’ve crossed oceans to get to where I am.
I’ve given my heart and soul to people who didn’t give a damn.
To all I am.
To all I was.
To all I will be.
This one’s for me.
You are not what I expected.
When I met you
Who knew I’d fall so hard.
You’ve reminded me who I am
You’ve showed me I can be beautiful.
You’ve reminded me to breathe.
Thank you.
With this happiness comes great pain.
The fear that you may not feel the same.
If you hated the way you looked and you tried to change it,
then realized that you had gotten so thin you were killing yourself,
Maybe then you’d second guess everything too.
And just like that, years of love and comfort ended in less than 5 minutes.
©2019
